Changing Our Relationship with Worry

Dear Mountain Song Community, 

I want to continue addressing the topic of anxiety since it is something that impacts everyone. It is part of being human. And yet, when it shows up in our children, it can feel confusing, urgent, and at times overwhelming. Many families find themselves asking: 

How do we make this go away? 

How do we fix it? 

But what if the goal is not to eliminate anxiety? What if the work is to change our relationship with it? 

What Anxiety Is Really Asking For 

At its core, anxiety tends to demand two things: 

● Certainty - “I need to know what is going to happen.” 

● Comfort - “I need to feel safe… or I want out.” 

Worry, the thinking part of anxiety, works hard to try to meet these demands. It asks questions, runs scenarios, and searches for answers. If worry had a slogan, it might be: “Are you sure?” It is, in many ways, a doubt factory. And while it is trying to help, the more we try to satisfy its demands for certainty and comfort, the stronger it often becomes. 

How Anxiety Works in the Body 

Worry is not just thoughts. It is a full-body experience. When a child begins to worry, the brain starts to create a kind of “what if” movie. This activates a small but powerful part of the brain called the amygdala which is our internal smoke detector. The amygdala’s job is to protect us. But it does not distinguish well between a real threat and a perceived one. To the brain, an awkward social moment can feel just as urgent as being chased by a bear. 

Once activated, the body responds quickly: 

● Heart rate increases 

● Breathing becomes faster 

● Muscles prepare for action 

● Digestion slows 

● Pupils dilate

These sensations can feel intense and confusing, especially for children. When kids understand that these responses are part of the body doing its job, it can begin to take some of the mystery and fear away. 

Why Trying to “Get Rid of It” Backfires 

It is natural to want to help children feel better. 

We might: 

● Reassure 

● Remove triggers 

● Avoid situations 

● Offer distractions 

These are understandable responses. And sometimes, they can provide short-term relief, but when our main goal becomes eliminating anxiety, we may unintentionally begin working for the anxiety. Anxiety grows stronger when we treat it as something that must be avoided. There is a paradox here: The more we try to get rid of worry, the more persistent it becomes. 

From Content to Process 

One helpful shift is moving from content-based responses to process-based responses. 

● Content focuses on: 

What is the worry about? How do we solve it? How do we make it go away?

● Process focuses on: 

How does worry operate? How are we going to respond when it shows up? The content of worry will change. The process can stay the same. 

Meeting Worry Differently 

Sometimes it can help to gently personify worry. 

You might give it a name. Let’s call it Petunia. 

When worry appears, instead of reacting with urgency, you might say: 

“It sounds like Petunia is here again.” 

You can even notice her patterns: 

“She always says these things… and then she tells us we can’t handle it.” And then the question becomes:

“How are we going to respond to Petunia today?” 

This small shift creates space. It helps children begin to see that they are not their worry.

Allowing Instead of Fighting 

Worry is not something we can eliminate entirely, but we can learn to allow it without letting it take over. Even the simple act of noticing and allowing: 

“Hi Petunia, I feel you here,” can begin to soften its intensity. When we stop fighting it, something changes. We can begin to send a new message to the brain: “I can feel this… and I can still move forward.” 

Interrupting the Worry Cycle 

Anxiety often follows a predictable cycle: 

1. An anxious event 

2. Worried thoughts 

3. Brain signals danger 

4. Physical sensations 

5. More worried thoughts 

6. Intensified sensations 

7. And the cycle continues 

We may not be able to stop the first wave, but we can interrupt the cycle. By noticing: 

● “This is my body responding” 

● “This is worry doing what it does” 

And gently reminding: 

● “We are not in danger right now” 

● “We can handle this moment” 

This shifts the brain over time. It creates new pathways and it builds resilience.

Flexibility Over Control 

Anxiety often pushes us toward rigidity and the need for things to go a certain way. What helps counter this is flexibility. One simple practice for families: Create a “Wall of Flexibility.” Each time someone in the family handles something that doesn’t go as planned, write it on a note and add it to the wall.

It might be: 

● Trying a dinner that wasn’t your first choice 

● Waiting your turn when it’s hard 

● Losing a game and staying present 

● Adjusting when plans change 

Over time, children begin to internalize a powerful message: “I can adapt. I can handle things, even when they are not perfect.” 

The Parent’s Role 

Supporting an anxious child is not easy. It can bring up our own discomfort. We don’t want to see our children struggle. Sometimes, without realizing it, we move to remove their distress quickly. This is a very human response, but children grow confidence not by avoiding discomfort, but by moving through it with support. 

We can offer: 

● Presence instead of fixing 

● Curiosity instead of urgency 

● Trust instead of control 

And perhaps most importantly: “I am here with you. You can do hard things.”

Positive Expectancy 

At the heart of this work is something called positive expectancy which is the belief that change is possible. Children feel this. When we approach anxiety not as something broken, but as something that can be understood and worked with, we open the door to growth. 

There is a quiet image that comes to mind: Sea otters hold hands while they sleep so they don’t drift apart. Anxiety can feel like drifting and our role is not to pull children away from the experience entirely, but to hold on while they learn to navigate it. 

A New Relationship with Worry 

Worry will visit. It is part of life, but it does not need to be treated like breaking news. Instead, we can begin to meet it with a different posture: Curious, steady and grounded. We might even imagine inviting it in for a moment: 

“Hello Petunia… you can sit here. You don’t have to run the show.” In that shift, something powerful begins to happen. Children learn that they are not controlled by their worry. They learn that they can feel uncertainty… and still move forward. They learn that they are capable. 

Compassionately,

Kim Butler, Licensed School Counselor, LPC
Director of Mental Health Systems
kbutler@mountainsongschool.org